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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29496186">Missing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale'>mean_whale</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Canon Compliant, First War with Voldemort, Injury, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Past Relationship(s), Sad Ending</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 00:53:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,856</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29496186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A fleeting reconnection between ex-boyfriends in the midst of a war is not what Remus expected, but it is what he found.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Regulus Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Remus Lupin Fest 2021</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Missing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This was written for Remus Lupin Fest.</p><p><b>prompt 7</b>: ex lovers Remus and Regulus meeting on the battlefield or a similar First War context where they're on opposite sides</p><p>Thank you, justtoarguewithyou, for the beta!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus was feeling queasy but tried his hardest to hide it. He swallowed heavily, swaying gently on his feet, but he was hopeful that no one noticed. He hoped that everyone was so focused on the conversation that they wouldn’t pay attention to a lone queasy werewolf. He wasn’t entirely sure what was being said, but he knew that it wasn’t good; he could tell from the way Greyback was holding himself with barely contained fury, and the way the Death Eaters were standing there with their heads held high – yet their faces hidden behind masks – their postures indicating clear contempt towards the pack of werewolves standing before them.</p><p>Remus let his eyes slowly take in each Death Eater in turn. He couldn’t possibly tell who any of them were; even the one who was talking had disguised his voice. All of them looked high and mighty, knowing that they were better than a group of half-breeds.</p><p>If Remus weren’t so dead on his feet, he would have had feelings about it, but at that moment, he only felt indifferent.</p><p>The conversation seemed to have concluded, as the Death Eaters were starting to leave. A few of them immediately Disapparated, some of them lazily shuffled towards the woods for whatever reason. Greyback looked furious, but that was nothing new; he looked the same every time they were dealing with the Death Eaters.</p><p>“You!” someone barked very close by, and Remus startled. “Yes, you!”</p><p>Remus turned to look at Phil, who was stalking towards him. Phil was one of those closest to Greyback, his biceps bulging. He had been hostile towards Remus right from the start, and Remus didn’t know if it was because that was how he acted with everyone new or because he personally didn’t like Remus for some reason.</p><p>Remus opened his mouth to ask what was going on, but before he could get a word out, Phil had punched him in the face. Remus staggered. Before he could gain his balance, a second punch followed, sending him sprawling to the ground.</p><p>Right before he fell, Remus noticed that the Death Eaters who hadn’t immediately Disapparated were watching, most likely sniggering to themselves. Maybe that was why they had remained; they had hoped to witness the spectacle.</p><p>But then, Remus had to focus on trying to protect himself rather than who was watching. Someone had joined Phil, but Remus couldn’t tell who. He curled up, trying to protect his face and stomach. His ribs were already aching from the transformation only a few hours prior, and he attempted to distract himself by trying to figure out what he had done to deserve a beating but came up empty.</p><p>Maybe he hadn’t done anything, per se. Maybe it was just that the pack had never really liked him. They disliked that he had grown up among wizards, they disliked the stench of magic on him – as they put it – and they disliked that he was so scrawny and looked weak, which he found unfair because it wasn’t like most of the pack were well-fed and big. He just happened to be the newest member.</p><p>“Enough,” he heard Greyback bark from a bit away. “Leave him.”</p><p>The pummelling stopped, but Remus knew better than to move. He heard the pack starting to leave; their slow, weary footsteps followed their leader, and Remus remained on the ground, breathing superficially and wondering how on earth he was supposed to get out of there without damaging himself further.</p><p>It didn’t surprise him that Greyback was ready to leave him behind; while Greyback had allowed him into the pack, he hadn’t really accepted Remus. He was never hostile outright, which Remus presumed was due to some odd sense of… of ownership. Remus wasn’t sure how to describe it or what Greyback was thinking, but based on some of the things he had said, Remus had come to understand that Greyback was only letting him stay because Remus had been bitten by him personally. Greyback hadn’t even tried to hide his contempt for Remus’s wizarding upbringing.</p><p>He lay quietly long after everyone was gone. A cool gust of wind ruffled his hair and turned his nape cold. He opened his eyes and stared at the grassy ground, unwilling to move. Right at that moment, he wasn’t in too much pain, but he knew that once he shifted at least a little bit, the pain would come. He wished that he could stay there, forever unmoving, just lie on the ground until he would turn into soil himself. He didn’t want to have to keep going.</p><p>His musings were interrupted by the sound of approaching footsteps. They were hesitant but steadily getting closer, and Remus couldn’t understand who might have still been there. The footsteps were coming from where the Death Eaters had been heading, which probably meant that if it wasn’t a Muggle coincidentally there, it was a Death Eater.</p><p>What could they possibly want with him? Some of them had just watched him get cast away from the pack. He was no use to them, surely.</p><p>Unless they knew.</p><p>Was it possible that they knew he was a part of the Order?</p><p>Whatever it was, being confronted by a Death Eater was going to be bad. Maybe they wanted to torture him for information. Maybe they just wanted to take this chance to kill a helpless half-breed.</p><p>Remus didn’t know how he could possibly save himself.</p><p>The footsteps stopped next to him. Remus turned his eyes to get a glimpse of the person, and sure enough, he was greeted by the black robes of a Death Eater. If he wasn’t sure that it would aggravate his injuries, he would have sighed. Instead, he merely closed his eyes, wishing that whatever was about to happen would happen fast.</p><p>“Where’s your wand?”</p><p>Remus blinked his eyes open. He was so surprised that he moved his arm out of the way so he could properly look at the Death Eater.</p><p>“What?” he asked, then gasped when he moved his arm in the wrong way, pain shooting through his body.</p><p>“Do you have your wand on you?” the Death Eater asked.</p><p>Remus could only stare, mouth open and brain working overtime to understand what was happening.</p><p>“What?” he finally managed.</p><p>The Death Eater hesitated, then crouched down. Remus tried to back away, but it hurt something somewhere in his body. He wasn’t sure what because his entire body was now pain, all of it blending together until he was not Remus any longer – just his broken body.</p><p>“Don’t move,” the Death Eater said.</p><p>Remus wished that he could move just out of spite, but his eyes had teared up from the pain, so he could only lie there, helpless and vulnerable.</p><p>“Do you have your wand, yes or no?” the Death Eater asked.</p><p>Remus was blinking tears away, not understanding why that detail was apparently so important.</p><p>“Yes,” he finally whispered.</p><p>“Good,” the Death Eater said, confusing Remus further. “Where can I take you?”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>The Death Eater looked around. It was quiet, the wind their only companion, and Remus wished that he would get on with it, curse Remus a bit and then either kidnap him or kill him.</p><p>Instead, he grabbed his mask and pulled it away from his face long enough for Remus to see a very familiar face, the equally familiar grey eyes filled with worry.</p><p>“Where can I take you where you’ll be safe?” Regulus asked and placed the mask back over his face.</p><p>It must have been a dream.</p><p>It was a dream, Remus concluded, because there was no way that out of all the people he could possibly run into, he happened to run into Regulus. He must have lost consciousness and was now having a dream in which he was miraculously saved by his ex-boyfriend who had become a Death Eater. He snorted quietly and closed his eyes.</p><p>It wasn’t real.</p><p>“Remus,” Regulus snapped.</p><p>Remus wanted to keep his eyes closed but opened them anyway.</p><p>“Are you real?” he asked out loud.</p><p>Regulus seemed taken aback, although it was hard to tell with his mask covering his face.</p><p>“Yes, I’m real,” Regulus said. “Please, Remus, tell me where I can take you.”</p><p>The pain was becoming unbearable; Remus’s muscles were too tense, maybe he had broken bones. Maybe it wasn’t a dream, then. It felt too real.</p><p>“I want to go home,” he whispered.</p><p>He hadn’t really meant to say it, but it was fine. He was tired. He couldn’t go back to Greyback’s pack, so he might as well go home, regroup, then ask Dumbledore for further instructions.</p><p>“Where is home?” Regulus asked.</p><p>And wasn’t that a good question.</p><p>Remus had been sharing a flat with Sirius, but officially he lived in his parents’ cottage. He didn’t want to be alone, but he also didn’t want to go back to Sirius yet because Sirius would get angry on his behalf, then he would get worried, and a worried Sirius was a very annoying Sirius: unable to leave him alone, constantly hovering and advising him to stay put. At least he wasn’t James’s levels of fussy, but it was still much more than Remus could take at that moment.</p><p>“My parents’ cottage,” Remus said.</p><p>“Are they home?” Regulus asked.</p><p>“No,” Remus said, leaving it at that.</p><p>There was no use explaining that they were gone.</p><p>Remus didn’t really want to go to the cottage and immerse himself in all the memories that he’d rather repress, but he needed a moment of quiet, needed a moment of peace and loneliness away from the constant supervision of a pack of werewolves or worried friends.</p><p>Regulus leaned forward and gently took Remus into his arms. It hurt, everything hurt, but Remus closed his eyes and kept his mouth shut. If it was a trap, it was better that he seemed unbothered. If Regulus was genuinely trying to help him, it was better not to show him that he was causing Remus pain, since there was no way to avoid it.</p><p>Regulus’s arms were holding onto him tightly, and Remus couldn’t quite contain the whimper of pain that climbed out of his mouth.</p><p>“Sorry,” Regulus said.</p><p>Remus leaned against him, surprised by how he was so easily slipping back into the past, but it could hardly matter when he felt like he was barely conscious. Regulus was a warm constant beside him as the weight of Apparition pressed against them. He felt like he was breaking further, certain that his body wouldn’t know how to put itself back together once it was over.</p><p>They landed onto soft grass. Remus could feel it against his palm. His nausea was back with a vengeance, and he swallowed and swallowed and swallowed, hoping to chase away the bitterness in his saliva. He thought that Regulus might have understood what was happening, because he made sure not to jostle Remus until the nausea had abated.</p><p>Remus pressed his hand harder against the dewy grass. The air smelled familiar, and Regulus gently lay him on the ground. Remus took just a moment to mourn the loss of contact, then reminded himself that the two of them were no longer close enough to share any kind of physical closeness.</p><p>Regulus levitated him off the ground. Remus’s eyes were closed. He didn’t want to open them and have to see how beautifully blue the sky was. How could the world still be so normal when he was being escorted home by the boy who had once looked at him with reverence but was now a Death Eater?</p><p>He must have slipped into unconsciousness, because the next time he was aware of himself, he was lying on the sofa, and there was a rattle in the kitchen. Remus opened his eyes just as Regulus returned with a glass of water. His mask waited on the coffee table.</p><p>“Here,” Regulus said and put down the glass when Remus attempted to sit up. “Let me help you.”</p><p>Remus wanted to act petulant and refuse, but he was still in too much pain for petulance. So, he allowed Regulus to help him upright, allowed himself to lean against Regulus who helped him drink. Regulus had gotten skinnier, didn't feel familiar, but his warmth was soothing in a familiar way and Remus hated it. He wanted to hate it. He wanted to hate Regulus who had gone on to become everything Remus had worried about and feared.</p><p>Regulus was careful as he lay Remus down again, his touch just as soft and gentle as it had always been. It didn’t sit right with Remus; it made him feel like he was being manipulated. He wasn't surprised when Regulus pulled out his wand and pointed it at him. Remus closed his eyes. He would allow it to happen. Whatever it was that Regulus was up to, Remus would allow it to happen.</p><p>He was surprised when Regulus used a few different healing charms on him in quick succession. They healed everything that Phil had broken, and Remus was left with only the post-Moon aches. And bleeding, he noticed when he opened his eyes, as a red stain was slowly seeping through his jumper.</p><p>“Why are you so hurt?” Regulus asked.</p><p>Remus looked at him for a moment and contemplated keeping quiet.</p><p>“I'm a werewolf,” he then said.</p><p>Regulus looked at him in frustration and said, “I know that, Remus. I mean to ask, is this normal?”</p><p>Regulus gestured vaguely at Remus’s person.</p><p>“Aren't you disgusted?” Remus asked because, apparently, he was unable to keep quiet. “Aren't you angry to know that you used to snog a werewolf?”</p><p>Regulus snorted, surprising Remus again.</p><p>“We did much more than snog,” Regulus said and smiled, and his face lit up, and he almost looked like he used to. “And I knew. I knew exactly who I was snogging.”</p><p>Remus didn’t know what to say, so he finally managed to keep quiet.</p><p>“Did you honestly think I wouldn't have figured it out if I hadn’t known already?” Regulus asked.</p><p>Remus wanted to tell him that no, he didn’t think that Regulus would have figured it out, but if he was being completely honest, he had been wondering; he had been wondering about how Regulus never questioned him about his absences around the Full Moon; he had been wondering about how thoughtful Regulus had been, how understanding he had seemed when Remus was aching before the Moon and couldn’t do the things he normally could.</p><p>“Oh,” was all Remus knew to say. Then, after a moment’s silence, he offered, “This is normal.”</p><p>Regulus looked at him from head to toe before asking, “Why?”</p><p>“What do you mean why?” Remus frowned.</p><p>“I mean,” Regulus said, “how did you get all these injuries?”</p><p>He leaned forward and started gently peeling off Remus’s jumper. Remus looked down at himself, at the wounds that were revealed as Regulus exposed him to the room.</p><p>“Looks like I got into a fight,” Remus said.</p><p>Regulus's eyes flicked up at his face, then down to his torso again.</p><p>“Then it isn't normal,” he said with a frown.</p><p>Remus hesitated for a moment, but then quietly said, “If I were alone, I'd do this to myself. How do you think I got all my previous scars?”</p><p>Regulus turned to look him in the eye. He seemed tired and sad, almost defeated, eyes glistening oddly, and Remus had to turn away lest he say something stupid like <em>I miss you</em> or <em>I still care about you</em>.</p><p>“What can I do to help?” Regulus then asked.</p><p>From the corner of his eye, Remus saw Regulus gesturing at Remus's chest. He contemplated telling Regulus to leave, but then, with an internal sigh, pointed towards the bathroom.</p><p>“There's Dittany in the cabinet,” he said, sounding weary.</p><p>Regulus immediately made his way to the bathroom. Remus heard clattering. It felt weird to know that Regulus Black the Death Eater was in his parents’ bathroom with its cracked tiles and something suspicious growing in one corner. It felt weird to know that Regulus had been there before, but that back then he had just been Remus’s boyfriend Regulus.</p><p>Everything felt strange, and then Regulus was beside him with a small bottle of Dittany in one hand and a jar of healing salve in the other. Remus said nothing as Regulus treated his wounds. They stopped bleeding, his skin knitted together, and he was left with minor bruises and a bunch of new scars.</p><p>“You have so many more than you used to,” Regulus said quietly before pulling down Remus’s jumper.</p><p>“More of what?” Remus asked, closing his eyes.</p><p>Now that he was no longer in pain, he was quickly draining of energy.</p><p>“Scars,” Regulus said.</p><p>Remus opened his eyes to look at the young man that had cautiously sat down on the edge of the sofa to apply Dittany and healing salve. Regulus was a contradiction: he looked exactly as he had when they had been dating at Hogwarts, but he also looked very different. He was fatigued. His skin was sallow. His eyes were deeply sad. It was the kind of sadness that accumulated over a long period of time. It was the kind of sadness one might never completely forget during their lifetime.</p><p>“Why did you become one of them?” Remus asked.</p><p>Regulus’s eyes widened and he looked around the room fearfully, as if someone might have been listening.</p><p>“This is what I believe,” he said quietly, although Remus could see doubt in his eyes.</p><p>Or maybe it was dread.</p><p>“Then what are you doing here?” Remus whispered back.</p><p>Their extended eye contact didn’t feel uncomfortable, Remus was surprised to find. He was also surprised that Regulus allowed it to happen, allowed Remus to see his mind so clearly. Regulus was afraid and he was desperate and he was alone.</p><p>“I could help you,” Remus whispered.</p><p>Regulus shook his head but said nothing.</p><p>“I could,” Remus said again. “We could get you out of there.”</p><p>Regulus shook his head and said, “I don’t want out.”</p><p>Remus’s gut churned uncomfortably.</p><p>“I want to make a difference from the inside,” Regulus whispered so quietly that Remus had to strain his ears to hear.</p><p>Remus looked him in the eye and knew that Regulus meant it; Regulus believed that he could change things. He knew something, and he was going to use that knowledge to his advantage. He was going to start a revolution.</p><p>“Are you sure?” Remus asked out loud, and he wasn’t entirely certain what it was he was asking.</p><p>
  <em>Are you sure that you don’t want out?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Are you sure that you know what you’re doing?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Are you sure that you no longer care about me enough to stay?</em>
</p><p>“I’m sure,” Regulus said, and his voice sounded confident.</p><p>Remus looked at him and thought about their sneaking around the cold castle corridors to find empty classrooms or broom closets. First it was just snogging, it was just frustration that they were both releasing, but then it evolved into something profound, and they would spend hours talking, and Remus would have a hard time explaining his absences to his friends. He never asked, but he had a feeling that nobody asked after Regulus; whether it was because he was a highly respected Black and allowed to make his own choices or because he didn’t have close friends to worry about him, Remus wasn’t sure.</p><p>“Okay,” Remus said, and his voice sounded just as frail as it had when they had last spoken to each other.</p><p>It had been one of the last days of Remus’s seventh year. They managed to sneak away, and they snogged as usual and it felt like love. Remus was ready to say those words out loud, he wanted to expose the fragility of his own feelings to Regulus, but then Regulus stopped him.</p><p>“We can’t continue this,” Regulus had said.</p><p>“Continue what?” Remus had asked.</p><p>After a moment’s hesitation, Regulus had said, “I’m breaking up with you.”</p><p>And Remus looked at him for a long time, looked at him because if he looked away, it would become real, and then he would feel how his heart had shattered.</p><p>“Okay,” he said, and Regulus turned around and walked away, and Remus still looked, stared after him until the echoes of his footsteps had long since died.</p><p>He had avoided seeking Regulus out afterwards. It had been easy. And now, Regulus was there, right next to him, his hip pressed against Remus’s thigh on the crowded sofa, and Regulus looked far sadder than he had looked back then, but underneath it there was the same desperate need that Remus had seen in him back then. He hadn’t understood it then, and he didn’t understand it now, and most likely he never would.</p><p>Regulus extended a hand and stroked strands of Remus’s hair off his face. His fingers lingered, and he moved his hand to cup Remus’s cheek with his palm.</p><p>Regulus leaned down and kissed Remus, and while it had been unexpected, Remus realised that it had also not been a surprise.</p><p>Regulus’s lips were dry and warm as he whispered against Remus’s mouth, “I can’t stop thinking about you.”</p><p>He kissed Remus again, then pulled back enough to look him in the eye.</p><p>“I still love you,” he whispered.</p><p>Remus looked at him. Now, he understood what Regulus’s eyes had meant, what they still had been trying to tell him. He didn’t feel thrilled at all to have found out that his love hadn’t been as unrequited as he had believed.</p><p>“I’m not the same person any longer,” he said.</p><p>Regulus’s face dropped, which was the only thing that told Remus that he had been close to smiling before.</p><p>“You don’t know me any longer,” Remus said.</p><p><em>You don’t know my heartache</em>, he added in his mind. <em>You don’t know how I mourned over you</em>.</p><p>“I wish it could have been different,” Regulus said.</p><p>He let go of Remus’s cheek and sat up straight.</p><p>“Me too,” Remus said quietly when Regulus stood up.</p><p>Regulus looked at him, his face now a careful façade familiar from the first moment Remus had ever seen him.</p><p>“I guess this is a goodbye,” Regulus said.</p><p>He picked up his mask from the coffee table. He held it like he wished that he could toss it away.</p><p>“Will you be okay on your own?” Regulus asked without turning his eyes away from the mask.</p><p>“I will,” Remus said and wanted to ask Regulus the same.</p><p>Regulus nodded, glanced at him one last time, then placed the mask on his face. Without a word, he left. Remus listened to how his footsteps made the floorboards creak. The door opened and closed softly. There was the crack of Disapparition.</p><p>Then, there was silence.</p><p>Remus lay on the sofa and listened to the silence left behind. He felt strangely like he should cry.</p><p>It was only a week later that Regulus Black was reported missing.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><a href="https://twitter.com/mean_whale">twitter</a> - <a href="https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html">writing list</a> - <a href="https://mean-whale.carrd.co">other social media</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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